Ali Lohan is da man.  She knows that while her older twat sis is carpet munching, and her mom is a fucking loon... that someone has to step up and be a REAL woman.  

        Soooo she got some tit implants, had some WD 40 injected into her lips, and BAM ... instant skank.

        And while doing magazine covers, sadly her confused and skanky sister, Lindsay is ...

        ..doing cameo appearances for D-rated sitcoms.  "Give me an 'H'...Give me an 'A'... Give me an 'S, B, E, E, N"...

 

 

        Michael Phelps (23) is everywhere !!!

        I woke up today and went to the bathroom to take a piss, and Michael Phelps jumped out of my toilet and ran away.  Of course I haven't had my coffee yet so it might've just been a giant turd.

        Here's the stud at the EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Golf '09 Launch with the man himself.

 

        It's getting ugly folks.

        Just when you thought Hohan's fire crotch couldn't get any more heated Daddy Hohan lit the spark under her ass that did just that. 

        "He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love."

         Awwww she lubs lil Sammy 'no Johnson' Ronson... A tear just rolled down my ass cheek.

        Sammy took to her MySpace blog to do her bitchin:

   SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words... so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life- i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living.... i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else....so I think it's safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all..... written by me..... when does your book come out mr. lohan?    

        I like how she um he...whatever...starts this whole bitch rant with "I really don't want to say anything because I feel like he wins.."  and then goes on to write a fucking Greek tragedy with a "p.s." at the end.  Is this bitch 12? 

        The whole family is a big fucking circus.  Cirque SoGay.

 

        Julia Roberts (40) takes part in the summer festivities by coming out into the sun for the first time in 40 years.  Her skin's so pale the sun said, "fuck that!"

        Earlier this year Roberts told Oprah that she doesn't use deodorant at all... Umm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that she had the pool all to herself that day.

 

        John Mayer broke it off with Jennifer Aniston (39) because he said she was pushing too hard to get married and have babies.  Soooooooo, she said, "fuck it I'll do it myself."

        Aniston was seen roaming around jewelry stores in New York City last week and yesterday she was seen wearing an engagement ring.  Should we be concerned?  Are we gonna see this bitch on the next Dr. Phil..."People who marry themselves"?

    

        Matthew McConaughey's (38) memaw is writing a book.

        Kay McConaughey is jumping on the attention whore bandwagon with a "tell all" book.  What the hell could this crafty cougar tell that would make it to a book, you ask???

        Well, for starts, how about murdering Matthew's paw.

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

“I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing,” she says. “But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gifts,” she says.

        And by "gifts" she means large pepaw shlong and conga balls.  That IS the best way to go.  Memaw McConaughey is wise in her senile years.

       

        You know, it must get tiring to have ever woman on this planet constantly ask you if they can suck your dick.

        Lucky for me, I don't have that problem.   Brad Pitt (44) and Clooney Toons (47) on the other hand have to be careful.  If these studs are ever together in the same room for too long the universe....may implode. 

        Here's Pitt and Clooney at the Venice Film Festival to promote their latest collaboration Burn After Reading.  Do these two even have to make an actual movie?  They could film them playing connect 4 and it would get higher ratings than the Olympics.

         

        The newest American Idol skank, Kara DioGuardi caught up with the rest of the crew in New York City for the first time ever to humiliate potential musicians and their dreams.

        Interesting?  To watch a woman that nobody's ever heard about give her opinion, that nobody cares about,  on a show that nobody talks about... Oh yeah that's a mind orgy waiting to happen.

        Fuck this bitch, they shoulda got Carrot Top or one of those insult comics from Comedy Central that Roasts bitches to be the 4th judge.  How cool would that be?

 

        Word on the street is that Samantha "No Johnson" Ronson (31) is in the makes to write a 'tell all' about her scandalous lesbian affair with Fire Crotch Hohan.  Ooooohhhhh I hope it's a poetry book... A lot of words rhyme with crack. 

        Hohan's e-stranged daddy, Michael Hohan, thinks Ronson is a big meany:

"I've shut up about this long enough.  (I haven't had any attention in a long time) Samantha is using my daughter (only for fame and money, and that's it!...oh and kinky lesbian dildo sex, but that's definitely it!) . People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay (we didn't know who Lindsay was until we met her crotch). She was just some Los Angeles DJ. And now she's writing a book? I am at my wit's end (I am running out of drug money) with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay's best interest. Let's just say I hope Lindsay starts opening her eyes and realizes who the people using her are. (her mother, her sister, her agent, her friends, her aunt Taloola and I....and now the bitch I'm marrying)”

         We thought he was done bitching, but then he started talking again *SIGH*:

        "Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay (and I know this because I sit under that table on Crotch guard), and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse.  My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam (oh yeah she was Wal-Mart's  employee of the month before Sam came along). Even my ex-wife knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it. (because it's making her greedy ass rich) ”

        So basically this is an estranged ex-convict dad bitching about her lesbian daughter's love affair with a crack-addicted dike.  Come on man, the book practically writes itself... She's just taking credit for it.